I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
