I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
