i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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