i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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