this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
