I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
FUCK WHALES
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
