How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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