I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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