Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
