He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
