Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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