I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
