It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
