if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
