dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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