I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
