I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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