3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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