I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?