I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
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He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?