i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dating After Heartbreak
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.