You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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