I want to stick my p in your. b.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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