some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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