Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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