we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
