If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
