If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Acid is not a monday night drug
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
