I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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