If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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