Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
