dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
