everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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