maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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