I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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