He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
