I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
