I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
