DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
