Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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