the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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