Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
