Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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