totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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