Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
