1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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