dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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