I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
