I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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