the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
