I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
