well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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