How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
