My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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