just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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