If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
