Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the condom got lost in my hair
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
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so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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