Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
