I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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