I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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