so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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